our most troubled relationships, negotiation can be challenging.
Divorcing couples, in particular, must often make decisions that will
affect their families for years to come. If you find communication
breaking down, try the following proven techniques used by divorce
mediators. They can be used in Divorce Mediation, by already divorced
couples, or simply in strained relationships.
 | Allow feelings to vent. When people feel hurt, | |
| angry or afraid, they may accuse or blame another person, and bring up past disagreements as a way of venting frustration. Don't take it personally. Give the other person a few minutes to blow off steam, without responding emotionally. This can reduce tension. |
| "Mirror" what you hear. Most people get | |
| frustrated when they feel they aren't being heard. Let the other person know you're listening by rephrasing what they said. Known as mirroring, this technique is so effective, you may notice them visibly relax when you do it. Saying, "so, if I'm hearing you correctly, you think..." or "let me make sure I understand you, you feel..." makes reflecting back what you heard sound more natural. |
| Validate the other person's point of view. Even | |
| if you don't agree, tell them you understand how they could feel that way. Some people argue because they think doing so will get you to agree. Once you let them know you see their point, you can move toward generating a solution. |
| Speak up. In order to get your needs met, | |
| honestly state what you want. It's difficult to work with anyone who gives the "silent treatment" or withholds information. Put your needs openly on the table. |
| Brainstorm ideas. After you are both clear on | |
| each other's needs, propose many ways the problem might be solved and ask for the other person's ideas. Keep generating ideas until you find one that meets both your needs. If you both participate, you are more likely to find a mutually acceptable solution and be able to make it work. |
| Once you agree on a solution, make it | |
| specific. Be detailed about what each of you will do. Obtain verbal agreement to give it a whole-hearted try. You can always come back and renegotiate if it doesn't work. |
Divorce Mediation in Atlanta, Georgia with Julie Ernst-Fortin
